Being An Artist In Residence (No Pressure)

For the last 5 months, I've had a very rigid day-to-day schedule at my job as a middle school instructional assistant.  Be here at this time, for this long, then go there; help this student with this project, then that one with that homework, etc.  I always knew where to go when, and (for the most part) what was expected of me.

It's veeeerrry different as an artist in residence!  Suddenly I have all of this time on my hands, and I'm the only one telling me where to go.  I have some responsibilities at Two Twelve Arts Center, but for the most part I'm on my own.  It's taken some adjusting, to say the least.

Now, I know that having all sorts of time sounds great, and believe me, it's nice to have the freedom!!  But too much freedom can be a bad thing, too.  I'd like to say that I immediately set up a schedule that I diligently followed, accomplishing more in my first week as A-I-R than I ever could have hoped or dreamed!!  But that would be a lie, and that's just no way to start out a blog.

The truth is, it's been hard not to let myself sleep in just a half an hour longer since there's no one keeping track of when I show up at the studio.  Or to reorganize my paints again rather than get to work right away.  Or to stare out the window at the traffic on Michigan Ave because there are no students demanding my attention.

I've found that time slips by and suddenly it's 5:00 and my stomach is growling and I've been painting lily pads for an hour and I can't remember why.  Ah, yes - practice!  Right?  

The good thing is, at the start of my second week I'm feeling a little more focused.  My new paints and paper are here, I have a plan in mind, the studio is coming together, a schedule with my studio mate is getting settled, and I'm starting to realize that this is real.  It felt like a dream for so long, and here it is!  I'm actually doing it!

And yet... Around Wednesday of last week (a snow day - hopefully the last of the season!), I was feeling really anxious and couldn't figure out why.  Here I am, living the DREAM, and yet I'm feeling out of sorts and stressed!  I paused to think about why that would be, and came to the realization that that's just it - I'm living my dream - creating art for a living (at least for six months)!!  And in the back of my mind is this little, horrible, nagging voice saying, "What if I fail?  What if I don't make it as an artist?  What if, six months from now, I have nothing decent to show for it?  What if my dreams fall flat?"

I hate that voice.

Luckily I have a few very important things: a loving, supportive network of family and friends who always lift and encourage me; faith in God who brought me this opportunity for a reason; and experiences in the past on which I can look back and gain perspective.  I wrote in a blog post once about the importance of Impossible Things, and how looking back on things you once thought impossible but overcame or achieved can help get you through new challenges.  In this case, I've been thinking a lot about grad school - sometimes I still can't believe I did it!  I got a Master's degree in Fine Art Painting!  I did intricate, crazy, complicated paintings!!  And if I did it then, I can do it now.  ...Right? 

An example of one of those crazy,
complicated paintings from grad school

I know that I have a lot to gain and learn from this experience over the next six months, and hope in the end I can add this to my growing list of Impossible Things: I was Two Twelve Arts Center's Artist In Residence, and I nailed it.